Sacrifices for stardom.

*All of the following is purely a figment of my imagination and is fictional. Resemblance to any incidents, persons or events are completely coincidental and are not in any way intentional.

Another normal day. Nasty comments are the first thing that greet me.

“Oh what a fake.”

“How annoying.”

It’s alright. I knew what I was getting into when I chose this path. I knew it would be hard, I knew that there would always be eyes on me, it was inevitable.

I knew I would be scrutinized to no end, held to unachievable expectations and standards, yet it all feels so very out of the blue.

I’ve finally reached my goal, I’m finally here, I am a star. But, I don’t feel as happy as I thought I would. I am elated, yes, but the grief seems to overpower the joy.

All my mistakes are there for the world to not only see but also to nit-pick.

I had thought of myself as confident and self assured but all the hate I had been subjected to seems to bring all my insecurities to light.

To some I’m too skinny, “She’s all bones,” they say. “How unsightly.”

And to others I’m not skinny enough, “Ugh, she should lose some weight.”

To some I’m too cheerful, “She has way too much energy, she should tone it down.”

To others, I seem to be lacking in that department. “Can’t she be more bubbly?” “She’s so disagreeable.”

It’s impossible to please everyone yet I destroy myself trying.

I really shouldn’t be complaining, after all I chose this. I wanted this. And so, I keep to myself and ‘suck it up.’ I smile, too scared to show any weakness lest I be devoured by the netizens.

My life seems to revolve around them, the netizens I mean. All I do is to please them, to keep them content, to prevent any and all vexation.

Before, I had always stressed how important it was for one to put themselves first, as self-centered as it may sound.

However it seems that I have forgotten how to do so, how to live for myself and even though I was the one who chose this path. Even though I was the one who chose to sacrifice for this path, every now and then, I wish to go back.

As foolish as it sounds, I wish to go back in time sometimes, to go back to the beginning and maybe, just maybe, I’d change my choices.

I’d choose to live a simple life without the pressure that comes with being examined under a lens like an animal in a zoo.

I’d choose to to be a little selfish in the way I treat myself, a little more pampering.

I’d choose to live for myself. Not for anyone else, but for me.

Yet all it is, is but a wish.